If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
