Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
