My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
