he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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