Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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