I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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