she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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