You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
