I think I died a long time ago.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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