her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
