My sheets look like a crime scene.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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