there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The air was thick with penises
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My vagina is officially offended.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
