Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
