I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
