Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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