also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
