Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
