My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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