Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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