Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
