Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize