Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
