Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
