Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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