woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
