Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
