You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
