Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
