Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
