What did we do last night that was yellow?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
