its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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