Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize