I didn't shave. On purpose
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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