I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
