I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
