I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize