did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
