addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We have started to decorate penises.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
