How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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