I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
