apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
