all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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