So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
