I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
