living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize