I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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