Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
