apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
