Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
