I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
