i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Randomize
