Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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