I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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