I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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