Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize