woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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