Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
