Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
