Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
